Broken
by StarWarsRocksMySocks
Summary: Ahsoka disobey's an order on a mission and now everything's changed. Anakin doesn't trust her, everyone hates her... So now she's discovered a new habit that no one must ever find out... (Short 6 chapter story) The meaning of this Story means a lot to me in way... Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Broken**

**O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0**

Ahsoka dragged herself out of the Jedi Council chambers, eyes downcast, trying to keep in all the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks.

She's done it again; disobeyed him.

Everyone in the Council had glared at her disapprovingly, their eyes hard and full of what Ahsoka saw as hatred. Even Master Plo had a disappointed look on his face, and Master Plo was usually always cheerful.

Anakin had stood next to her, glaring at her every time she answered one of the Council's questions. Ahsoka had seen him out of the corner of her glistening blue eyes, and she avoided his eyes as best she could. She didn't want to see the disappointment and hatred that they held.

The guilt and hurt was unbearable. It was her fault. Usually Anakin would try and take the blame for her mistakes, but this time, he could not take the blame because he _knew _it was all Ahsoka's fault. He let the blame sit on her shoulders, where it belonged.

The Padawan swallowed hard, still holding back the tears. If she hadn't of disobeyed his orders, everything would have been fine. Rex wouldn't have gotten injured, clones wouldn't have died, and Anakin wouldn't want to get rid of her.

Orders. That's all she had to do; just follow orders. She couldn't even do a simple task like that.

"Ahsoka Tano, get back here, _now." _Ahsoka heard a very angry Anakin yell.

She swallowed again and blinked away the tears as best as she could. She wouldn't cry, she _couldn't _cry, not in front of Anakin. She wouldn't show weakness.

"Ahsoka," Anakin growled as he caught up with his Padawan, grabbing her arm, "I am very disappointed in you. Over three quarters of our clones are dead, and the ones who aren't are injured. That mission was important. This loss could help the Separatists win the war! All you needed to do was follow orders, but you screwed that up as well, didn't you?"

That had hurt. That had really, really hurt. Those words had just added to the pain she was already in, and the Padawan immediately felt more guilt. She felt like she could collapse; just fall over and die.

"I'm…sorry…" Ahsoka didn't know what else to say. What else could she possibly say? Beg for forgiveness, maybe? Get down on her knees with her hands clasped together?

"Yeah, well sorry idn't good enough, is it? Saying sorry won't bring back all those dead clones, will it?" Anakin snarled, releasing her arm and storming off, quite like an annoyed teenager who couldn't get their way.

Ahsoka held her arm delicately where Anakin had gripped her arm. It'd leave a bruise for sure. If he'd squeezed it any harder it could have done some real damage.

She just stood there, holding her arm and staring at Anakin's retreating form. She'd done it now. He'd never trust her again. The Togruta sighed to herself. She decided that there was no point of trying to apologise, no point of begging for forgiveness. There was no way anyone would forgive her for what she'd done.

The guilt was eating away at her. All she could think about was the explosions, the cries of pain, the dead, lifeless bodies…all the destruction and pain caused by her…because she couldn't follow orders.

Ahsoka stopped walking when she reached the door of her and Anakin's shared quarters. She sighed again quietly, hoping her wasn't there. She didn't want to see the disappointment in his eyes.

It was strange, in a way. When she had first become his Padawan – which was over two years ago now – all she wanted to do was make him proud of her; she wanted to earn his trust and respect.

Hesitantly, she opened the door.

Empty. No one was there. Ahsoka went straight to her room and locked the door behind her after it had shut. Two tears had already slipped down her cheeks. She threw the covers of her bed to the side and climbed in, curling herself up as much as she could, desperate to just disappear, to leave and never come back. She pulled the light covers over her, burying herself in them. She couldn't hold the tears back now. They leaked from her eyes and dripped onto her pillow. After twenty minutes or so, the young Padawan drifted off to sleep with a soaking pillow and tear stained cheeks.

... … … … … … … ..

Ahsoka awoke with a scream. She'd had a nightmare. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, though, it was just a replay of yesterday's events. Ahsoka had thought that in the morning she'd feel better, however, she didn't, she felt worse. She Padawan sat up and pulled her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees and wrapping her arms around her thin legs. She let out a shaky breath. What was she going to do? She decided she was too much of coward to go and find her Master.

Back soaked with sweat, she stood up on shaky legs, gritting her teeth. She quickly glanced at the chrono. 11AM. That was a lot later than when she usually woke up. Oh well, she highly doubted anyone would want to see her.

Ahsoka realised that she hadn't eaten a lot lately. She hadn't eaten anything the day before. Of course she hadn't; she had been too depressed and worried to even think about eating.

Ahsoka sighed and dressed slowly; she really didn't want to do anything today. All she wanted to do was curl up in a corner and never be spoken to again.

As she made her way to the mess hall, she kept the hood of her cloak up, walking in the shadows, where, hopefully, no one would notice her.

In the mess hall she only picked up a small bottle of water and a sandwich that she didn't even want. She wasn't hungry, but she had to eat or she'd get ill.

Sitting at the table in the corner, she took a small bite of her sandwich. She nibbled on it for a minute, then decided that she really didn't want it.

It was then that Ahsoka realised that the mess hall was half empty. Ahsoka felt her chest tighten… All the clones that were usually in the mess at this time weren't there because they were dead… and it was all because of her.

Ahsoka looked down at her food again. She just couldn't eat it…she didn't feel like eating at all. The Togruta got up out of her seat, keeping her eyes looking downwards and tossed her food in the trash, gripping the bottle of water in her free hand.

Ahsoka could feel the clones staring at her. They were probably talking about her before she came to the mess hall.

She honestly couldn't take it anymore. The guilt and hurt was eating away at her, she felt like it was killing her. Voices filled her head, telling her how pathetic and worthless she was…they told her that she was unwanted and unloved… And Ahsoka agreed with them. She ruined everything, she just couldn't do anything right.

She wished that she could go back in time…she wished that Master Plo had never discovered her. She wished that she was never even born. If she had never been alive, people wouldn't have died because of her stupid mistakes.

The depressed Padawan trudged back to her quarters. A small part of her hoped that Anakin would be there, because she had been feeling incredibly lonely. No one had spoken to her since the day before. However, the other part of her, the larger and much stronger part, hoped, prayed even, that Anakin wasn't there. He was still angry at her, she knew it.

Ahsoka took a deep breath before she answered the door. It was empty, as expected. She let a very small sigh of relief.

Ahsoka couldn't stop all the hateful voices inside her head. Voices…it was all she could hear. They were ringing inside her montrals, playing over and over again. They told her how she was a failure, that she always had been and always would be. They said that she couldn't do anything right and that she was an embarrassment to the Jedi Order and that they all hated her.

They even told her that she should kill herself. No one would even care, they had said.

She put her hands over her head, trying to stop them, to make them shut up. They were hurting her, causing her so much pain. They told her things about herself that she shouldn't believe, but she agreed with them; she agreed with everything they said about her.

She _was_ worthless, like they had said, she _was _pathetic.

Ahsoka walked over to her dresser hurriedly, blinking hard. She opened one of the small drawers.

She reached right to the back of the drawer and pulled out a small knife. It was something she had had for a while. Taking a trembling breath, Ahsoka took off the glove on her left arm and held the sharp, silver blade to her forearm. She took another breath, pressed down, and slowly drew the blade across her arm.

The Togruta hissed quietly in pain. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but that was good. That's what she wanted; _physical pain. _

However, just one cut wasn't enough.

She did more. Some small and shallow, other long and deep, leaking out crimson blood. Soon, her entire forearm was covered in cuts, blood dripping off her arm.

Ahsoka sighed in relief. She felt a lot better now. The voices had stopped, but Ahsoka had a feeling they'd return soon. Smiling lightly at her throbbing arm, she hid the knife in the back of the drawer again.

She had promised herself that she'd never hurt herself like that again. The first time she had ever done something like that was when she had failed her Master on the mission to Ryloth, when she had gotten all her men killed. She had promised herself that she'd never do this kind of thing again, but she had broken that promise now.

The Padawan made her way back into the bathroom and cleaned up her arm. The cuts started to sting madly when the warm, soothing water hit them, but that only made Ahsoka feel better. The physical pain drowned out the emotion pain.

When the bleeding had finally stopped, Ahsoka examined her work. The cuts were angry red, some were just small, thin lines. Though, others were wide, deep wounds. A couple may even need stitches.

Ahsoka sighed again in relief, pulling on her glove.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. She stiffened; what if it was Anakin?

She quickly looked around; at the floors, the walls, everywhere. Luckily there was no blood on the floor. Trembling slightly, she opened the door.

"Ahsoka." It was Master Kenobi.

Ahsoka avoided his eyes. He must hate her too. "Master Obi-Wan," she mumbled quietly, bowing a little. Ahsoka assumed that he wasn't here to see her, "If you're looking for Master Skywalker, he isn't here." She said, still looking at the ground.

"I wasn't looking for Anakin anyway, young one. I came here to see you." He looked down at her. Why wasn't she looking at him? It was like she had suddenly developed a great fear of him or something.

"Oh, right." She said awkwardly. Why was he here to see her, of all people?

"May I come in, Ahsoka?" He asked.

Ahsoka nodded and stepped aside so he could come inside. She sat down on the couch and the Jedi Master sat in the plump armchair that was opposite the couch.

The two Jedi sat there in complete silence. The only things that could be heard was their breathing. Ahsoka felt like she had so much to say but she just couldn't say it. She wanted to apologise for being such a failure, she wanted to say sorry for all the death's she had caused.

"How are you doing, Ahsoka? No one has seen you much since you and Anakin returned yesterday." Obi-Wan looked concerned and slightly worried for the Padawan.

Ahsoka shrugged. Her arm still stung, but it felt amazing.

"You said Anakin isn't here. Why isn't he? I don't think he has any assignments today."

Again, the Padawan just shrugged. She felt like saying, 'He hates me, that's why he's not here." But all that came out was, "He's mad at me."

"Why is that, Ahsoka?"

"Because I disobeyed him." She still avoided his grey/blue eyes, speaking quietly.

Obi-Wan could sense all the pain Ahsoka was in. He could feel that she was desperately trying to control her raging emotions. However, he could not hear all the cruel voices that were inside her head. He could tell just by looking at her that she thought that he was angry at her too.

"Ahsoka, I'm not mad at you, you know." He said gently.

Ahsoka kept quiet. He had to be lying, he had to be. She frowned slightly; everyone was mad at her, everyone hated her.

"Ahsoka," Obi-Wan said quietly, "please talk to me."

Still, silence. The Master started to get worried. All the deaths were hitting her a lot harder than he had expected.

"At least look at me?"

The Togruta sighed silently and slowly drew her eyes up and looked at him.

Obi-Wan looked at her sadly. She had very visible bags under her eyes from lack of sleep (and maybe even nightmares) and her eyes looked dead. They didn't have that determined sparkle anymore, they didn't shine like they used to. Her eyes held a look or pure sadness and guilt and hurt. "I'm guessing you haven't been sleeping well?"

Again, the Togruta just shrugged. "Not really…"

Just as Obi-Wan was opened his mouth to say something else, the comlink on his wrist beeped, He took one last glance at the Padawan and then held his wrist up to his mouth. "General Kenobi, here."

"Ah, Obi-Wan." It was Anakin. Obi-Wan looked at Ahsoka quickly. She had visibly stiffened up, and she was staring at the ground again. What did she find so interesting about the floor?! "Can you meet me outside my quarters in five minutes please? I want to speak to you about something."

"Of course, Anakin, I'll see you soon." He switched off the comm. He noticed that Ahsoka was still silent. Obi-Wan thought for a moment. He sensed fear in Ahsoka. After a minute, he realised that she was scared of how disappointed Anakin was in her. She feared she wasn't good enough to be his apprentice. He'd never seen her so quiet before. It was so strange yet heart breaking at the same time. Ahsoka was never quiet. She was usually so happy and cheerful…she just seemed dead now.

"Ahsoka…it wasn't your fault." Obi-Wan said gently. He needed her to know that people wouldn't hate her forever because of just one mistake.

Ahsoka moved her head up to look at the Master. For the first time of the day, she looked him straight in the eye. "Yes, Master Kenobi, it was _all _my fault. Everyone knows it, so you don't have to lie to try and make me feel any better…it won't work anyway. I know that it was all my fault and that I deserve to be punished."

Obi-wan didn't know how to reply. He hadn't expected that kind of reply from her. Ahsoka truly believed that it was her fault. She thought she deserved to be punished.

Somebody knocked on the door.

Ahsoka – already knowing exactly who it was – got up and mumbled a small "bye master" and went into her quarters and locked the door.

"Master Obi-Wan?" Anakin's voice sounded.

"I'm in here, Anakin." His former Master replied.

"Oh, you're here already? Who let you in?"

"You're Padawan."

Anakin's face changed slightly, "Oh, I didn't know she was here."

"Well, she does live here, Anakin. Now, what did you want to speak to me about?"

"Ahsoka," The Jedi Knight said, sitting down in the exact same place his Padawan had recently been sitting. "I just don't know what to do with her, Obi-Wan. She's causing everyone so much trouble. She's disobeying orders and getting many men killed…"

"Anakin, you know Ahsoka doesn't mean to cause trouble…she's extremely upset about everything that's happened. She says that it was all her fault." Obi-Wan said.

"But, Obi-Wan, you weren't there, she disobeyed orders and got so many men killed. Rex could have died! All of the clones who actually survived could have died! Look, Obi-Wan, I'm sorry, but it _was _her fault, and I'm not going to try and take the blame for her failure. Not this time." He said, raising his voice slightly.

"Anakin, you have to understand that even if it was her fault, she shouldn't think that it was her fault. She's a teenager who's fighting in a war; she's already got enough weight on her shoulders."

"But Obi-Wan," Anakin argued, "she's brought this on herself. All this wouldn't have happened if she had just obeyed my orders. Why don't other Masters have to deal with this?!"

Little did the Jedi Warriors know, Ahsoka could hear every word of their conversation. Tears filled her eyes again. See, she was right, it _was _all her fault.

She didn't understand why Obi-Wan was sticking up for her. Why would you stick up for someone who just got hundreds of people killed?

"Remember, Anakin. You were once my Padawan and you disobeyed me many times."

"That's different, Obi-Wan. We weren't fighting in a war when I was a Padawan. She needs to learn how to obey orders. Maybe then she'll earn my trust again."

… … … … … … … …

**Okay, everyone, I'm so so sorry I haven't updated any of my stories in like, forever. My depression is getting a lot, lot worse. And I had to wipe my whooollleee laptop so all my doc's got wiped. My other Grandad is also dying and there's lots of other stuff going on as well, but I'm trying my best to write. **

**The reason I wrote this story (which is going to be a two/three shot) is because I'm a cutter. I've been cutting for a year now. I started cutting on the 23/01/12. So it's a year today. I know its kinda graphic and you may not like this kinda thing, but I felt like I had to write this. I guess it kinda means something to me, you know? **

**Please review and tell me what you think? I'll try and have the next chapter up soon. **

**Thanks guys! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Broken**

**O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0**

Sighing, Ahsoka pushed back the covers of her bed. She prepared herself for another lonely, depressing day. That's how things were now. She felt like she had no reason to live if this was how things were going to be. She wasn't getting any better, and she was all too aware of it. Honestly, she just seemed to be getting worse and worse. She'd become even more lonely. She hadn't spoken to anyone in almost two weeks.

Anakin was visiting his quarters more and more, but he never spoke to her. Not even once. They hadn't even looked at eachother. Ahsoka was too ashamed to, while she just thought that Anakin couldn't bear to look at his failure of a Padawan.

The Togruta sat on her bed, head in her hands. Surely things couldn't get much worse. She had nothing now. No friends; no one wanted her around. Her only friends were her bed and her knife. They were the only things that hadn't rejected her.

She had even considered running away several times. But she couldn't do that; she couldn't leave everything that she had ever known behind.

The fact that no one, no one at all, had come to visit her really upset the child. It proved that no one really wanted her around, that they didn't care whether she was alright or not.

Ahsoka rolled up her sleeves. She traced her fingertips over the many cuts and scars that decorated her once clear, orange arms. At first, she had only cut her left arm; however, she soon ran out of room and started to harm the other arm. Now, both of her forearms were covered in cuts and scars. There were just so many things that made her do it. Sadness, guilt, loneliness, self-hatred… and the voices, too.

She really couldn't take much more of the mental torture. She wanted to speak to someone so desperately, but she couldn't because no one wanted to see her. She was also scared of opening up to someone; they could betray her trust in them and use her problems against her. She was also scared that she'd be bothering them with her pathetic problems. No one really cared anyway.

It seemed that even Obi-Wan didn't want to see her. Even Master Plo hadn't come to visit her.

Ahsoka heard a noise from outside of her door and she swiftly pulled down her sleeves, just in case someone came in.

They didn't though. She hadn't really expected someone to come in, but you can never to be careful.

Her habit of cutting herself had become a daily thing now. It was every day. It was her way of coping with everything. Her way of controlling the emotional pain.

Her comlink beeped for the first time in two weeks. A surprised Ahsoka reached for it and held it to her mouth. "Padawan Tano, here." She said in her tired voice. Her thought hurt a little when she spoke, though. She guessed it was because she hadn't really spoken to anyone in such a long time.

"Ahsoka? Hello, how are you? I haven't seen you in so long; would you like to come round for lunch?" It was Padmé. Surely she hated Ahsoka too, Anakin must have told her about her failure. He always told Padmé when they had arguments and fallout's. After all, they were both close. Almost too close, Ahsoka thought. She suspected that there was something going on between the two adults.

However, Padmé seemed perfectly happy and cheerful while talking to Ahsoka. Who knows, maybe Padmé didn't hate her.

At the moment, one of the only things Ahsoka wanted was to talk to someone; she was just so lonely. She was a Togruta; a species that spent lots of time with others. She hadn't spent any time with anyone for half a month. It was torture.

Ahsoka didn't really know how to respond. "Um, yeah, I'd love to, thank you."

"Great! I'll see you at my apartment in an hour?" The happy Senator replied cheerfully.

She was just about to hang up when Ahsoka burst out; "Padmé, wait! Will Master Skywalker be there?"

"No, he's off on a mission today. Surely you'd know that? Anyway, put something nice on, we're going out."

"Okay, Senator. I'll see you in an hour then." Replied Ahsoka, setting down her comlink on the side. She was actually kind of happy to be going out, to be finally getting out of the Temple for a while. She'd been cooped up in her room for two weeks already; any longer she feared she'd go insane. She'd only ever left her quarters to go to the mess hall or do some training.

Ahsoka stood in front of her wardrobe, scratching her back lekku. She had a few nice dresses that Padmé had kindly given to her. But there was one problem with all of them; they were all short sleeved…

Biting her lip, Ahsoka thought, trying to think of an excuse to not where a dress, or any 'nice' clothing.

… … … … … … … …

"Ahsoka!" Padmé opened the door immediately after Ahsoka stopped knocking. She pulled Ahsoka into a big hug. "I've missed you! I don't even remember the last time I saw you! I'm sure you've grown even more since I last saw you!"

Ahsoka frowned slightly; why would Padmé miss her? She was just a nuisance to everyone… "I've missed you, too, Padmé. I'm sorry I couldn't dress up. Since Anakin is out, I could be called on a mission at any time, so I can't really go chasing after a criminal in a dress can I?" Ahsoka put on a fake smile, which, judging by Padmé's small chuckle, she fell for the fake smile.

"It's okay, Ahsoka. I understand. You look nice anyway."

… … … … … … … …

"So, Ahsoka, what have you been doing these past few weeks?" Padmé asked.

_Oh, nothing much. Crying my eyes out, sitting in my room, cutting myself… _Ahsoka thought, but what came out of her mouth was; "Oh, not much really. I had a mission a couple of weeks ago…" She trailed off, wanting to change the subject. The memories were coming back, but she wouldn't let them ruin her day. She was actually really enjoying Padmé's company. "What about you? I'm sure you've been busy lately?"

"I've had a few important meetings and things like that, nothing you'd really be interested in, though." She smiled at the Togruta, "However, I did see Lux. He's doing well. He's enjoying being the new Senator of Onderon. It's a little stressful for him – I can tell – but I can see he's enjoying it."

"Oh, really?" Ahsoka asked, suddenly interested in what the Senator was saying. She took a swig of her drink – none alcoholic; of course, she was still underage for that. Padmé had a wine, so it'd be Ahsoka driving them back to the apartment.

"Yes. He told me to ask you if you both could meet up sometime, perhaps for lunch or something." Padmé smiled; she knew that they were close friends and that they'd been through a lot together.

"That'd be nice, thanks for telling me." Ahsoka put on another fake smile; she'd been doing that a lot lately.

"Ahsoka, no offence, but you look terrible. Have you been having nightmares again? I couldn't help but notice that you've lost weight as well…" She looked concerned.

_Yes. _"No, I just haven't really been sleeping that well. But I'm okay, don't worry. And as for the weight loss, I just haven't really been that hungry lately. Perhaps I'm coming down with something, but I'm sure I'll be fine." Ahsoka put on another smile. She was getting good at faking smiles. She's definitely had a lot of practice.

Even though Ahsoka was smiling, Padmé couldn't help but notice the Togruta's pale skin, the bags under her eyes, the dramatic weight loss… Ahsoka had always been a small, thin girl, but this was ridiculous. But what disturbed Padmé the most was Ahsoka's eyes. They were a completely different shade of blue. She wasn't even sure if they were blue or not, they looked grey. They were dull. They didn't shine anymore. Padmé just prayed that all the difference to Ahsoka's features were all because of lack of sleep and food.

The Restaurant was very fancy. Ahsoka felt slightly out of place. Everyone was wearing suits and flowing dresses and fancy clothing. She just looked quite casual, but Padmé said she looked fine, so she wasn't as paranoid.

Ahsoka was definitely feeling better now that she was talking to someone and being social. She'd just been so terribly lonely.

After their dinner, Ahsoka drove them back to the Senator's apartment. They laughed a lot, having a good time. Someone in the restaurant had spilled their wine all over themselves, and Ahsoka just thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. It was the first time she'd laughed in a while. It felt foreign, in a way. She hadn't laughed in so long. She even smiled; a _real _smile. Not fake; _real. _

However, the young Jedi apprentice had a bad feeling about something….something was going to go wrong, she just knew it.

Playing holochess was now a game that Ahsoka frequently played. She was getting good, but she still wasn't as good as Padmé. They sat opposite eachother, both thinking about their next move.

Smirking, Ahsoka pressed a button and the little holo-monster moved up one spaced to the left. The Senator would certainly have some problems finding a strategy now.

Ahsoka reached over to the small counter where two drinks sat, keeping her eyes on the table, think of what Padmé's strategy could be. As she reached to get her drink, she did not notice her sleeve coming up.

Suddenly, Padmé's hand shot out and grabbed Ahsoka's wrist. "Ahsoka, what is this?!" Padmé demanded, pulling up Ahsoka's sleeve, eyes wide. They grew wider when she could properly see her arm. Cuts. That's pretty much all she could see. They were everywhere. Shallow, deep, crisscrossing. Some hadn't even closed up yet.

"It's nothing," Ahsoka stuttered, pulling her arm out of Padmé's grasp, yanking down the sleeve quickly. Her heart was racing. She knew something was going to go wrong. She should have been more careful.

"No, Ahsoka, it's not." The Senator moved out of her seat and advanced on the Padawan, this time grabbing the other arm and pulling up her other sleeve to reveal more cuts. The cuts actually looked worse on that arm. "Ahsoka?!Why would you do this to yourself?!"

"I told you, it's nothing!" Ahsoka snarled, standing up and forcing Padmé to shift a little so Ahsoka didn't knock her off her seat. Ahsoka's voice had increased greatly in volume. This worried Padmé. Ahsoka never shouted. The Senator had never seen her like this before. It was kind of…scary. She was shocked.

"Ahsoka, please…" She said softly, "Ahsoka, what's wrong? What's made you do this to yourself?"

"I told you, it's nothing." Ahsoka murmured, pulling her sleeves over her hands. She was trembling.

As Padmé shifted around the couch, Ahsoka tensed up, thinking Padmé was going to try and yank her sleeves up again. She clutched onto the bottom of her sleeves tightly, so tightly that her knuckles started to turn white. However, the Senator didn't try to look at her arms again; she gently put her arm around the fragile teenager. "Ahsoka, please… You know I care about you, please just tell me what's wrong."

Ahsoka really, really didn't want to tell her, but she also wanted to talk so desperately. She'd just been so lonely and isolated. Not speaking to anyone for two weeks had been driving her crazy… She'd been living in a world of self-hatred and loneliness for too long…

She'd sit on her bed at night – and in the day – knees up to her chest, shaking and crying as the blood rolled down her arm, wishing that someone could just kill her, for something to come and end the pain. She could easily end her own life. Her lightsaber had killed many others so easily; it could do the same to her. But she couldn't do it. For some reason, she just couldn't end her own life. There was something – though she didn't know what it was – keeping her here in the Universe. She'd thought about killing herself lots of times though. She'd even planned everything out, but she'd never carried out any of the plans.

Holding back tears, Ahsoka laid her head on Padmé's shoulder, swallowing before she began to speak, "I just…can't cope, Padmé. Everything is too much. I wish Master Plo had never even found me… No one wants me around, I'm just not wanted. I hate it. I hate everything. I don't want to here anymore…"

Padmé just didn't know what to say. "Ahsoka…I don't understand. What's happened?"

"Well," Ahsoka swallowed down a lump that had mysteriously appeared in her throat, "Master Skywalker and I were on this mission a couple of weeks ago. I screwed up, badly. I messed everything up and got almost everyone killed. The ones who survived all got hurt. I disobeyed orders and now everything's falling apart. Master Skywalker won't even speak to me. He hates me – everyone hates me. I've been alone since then… No one has even come to see me, not even Master Plo…he hates me too…you should have seen the way he looked at me at the Council meeting…" Ahsoka couldn't stop the tears from leaking out, "And I can't stop the voices…stop them, make them stop…"

Padmé just didn't know what to do. Her husband's Padawan was breaking down… She wrapped her arms around Ahsoka and held her as she cried. She could even _feel _that Ahsoka had lost a lot of weight. She was just so thin. "What do the voices say?"

"They say I'm pathetic. They tell me I'm not worthy to be a Jedi and that I'm not wanted. They say that I'd be better off dead… And they're right. I don't deserve to be alive… Everything they say is true…"

The Senator tightened her arms around the Togruta, "Ahsoka that's not true…don't listen to them, they're lying…all of them are lying…"

"No, they're not…" Ahsoka squeezed her eyes shut, more tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Do they tell you to hurt yourself?"

Ahsoka shook her head, "No. I do it because I deserve the physical pain. It makes me feel better, it makes me shut the voices out and forget the pain for a little while…"

And it did. Even if she forgot about the pain for a few minutes, even a few seconds, it was worth it. That small amount of control was worth having cuts all along her arms. They physical pain drowned out the emotions, killing them a little… They'd return later, though. But getting rid of them for a small amount of time was good.

"You need help." Padmé said, withdrawing her arms from around the girl.

"No! No, I don't… You think I'm crazy, don't you? I'm not mad, I'm not…" Ahsoka drew her legs up to her chest and hid her face in her knees. She wrapped her arms around her legs tightly, probably opening some of the deeper cuts, but she didn't care.

"No, Ahsoka, I'm not saying you're crazy…you just need to speak to someone who can actually help you properly…"

"No!" Ahsoka burst out, "They'll think I'm crazy as well… I'm not crazy! I'm _not! _It's just a way to get rid of the pain for a while… You don't understand…"

"Ahsoka, at least let me see them? They're infected and that can cause some serious harm to you…"

"I don't care… I just want to die. I don't care how; I could burn to death for all I care! I just don't want to be around anymore…"

… … … … … … … …

**Well, that's chapter two done. This was actually kinda hard for me to write. No one (except some friends) knows about my cutting, so it was kinda hard to write Padmé's reaction. I hope I've done okay though? **

**Please review? :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Broken**

**O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0**

"Ahsoka don't say that…" Padmé honestly had no idea what to say, or what to do. "Don't say that. Don't even think it. You're better than that. You don't deserve to die at all. Ahsoka, please just let me treat the wounds…?" She laid a hand on Ahsoka's shoulder, keeping it there even when Ahsoka flinched when her hand made contact with her; she wasn't really used to contact with people anymore. She wasn't really used to talking to people, either. Looking away from the older woman, Ahsoka frowned. Padmé sighed and continued, "Ahsoka, put yourself in my position. If someone who you considered a little sister or even as a daughter had been doing what you've been doing, you'd be _very _worried and _very _concerned wouldn't you?"

"I guess but… I don't think of anyone as a younger sibling. I don't talk to people…"

Padmé was running out of things to say to the girl. "Ahsoka, please just let me treat them? Even a blind person would be able to tell that they're infected and need to be treated."

"But, Padmé…" And now Ahsoka was running out of excuses. She didn't want Padmé to see them… She was ashamed of herself, and she was pretty sure that Padmé would be ashamed of her too.

"Please?" The Senator held one of the Togruta's cold, shaking hands, squeezing it reassuringly. She looked Ahsoka straight in the eyes. Her brown eyes were caring and loving, just like they always had been. Just looking into Padmé's soft eyes made her believe that someone actually cared and wanted to help.

"…Fine then. But don't take long…" She didn't want Padmé to see her arms any longer than she needed to. She was just so ashamed of what she'd done… She sighed, which was unnoticed by Padmé. She trusted Padmé – of course she did, she had practically been the Mother that Ahsoka had never really had – but her heart was racing, she was starting to sweat a little and she was scared, worried and anxious. Ahsoka gripped her sleeve tightly and slowly pulled it up, trying not to smear the small amount of blood that had leaked out of the deeper cuts.

The brunette Senator seemed to wince slightly when she saw the Togruta's arm again. This time she could actually see and focus on the wounds properly. They were actually worse than she thought they were. All of them – even the ones that's weren't deep – were red around the outside of the cut, and some – mostly the deeper ones – were oozing out yellow liquid. _Definitely infected_, Padmé thought, cringing a little.

Padmé gently dabbed away a few specks of blood from Ahsoka's arm with a soft, white cloth. She could feel the disturbing heat of the girl's arm, even through the fabric of the cloth.

Obviously when Ahsoka had done the cuts, she had no intention of looking after them and making sure they didn't get infected. Padmé was 100% sure that Ahsoka's arm was infected. She had all the signs and symptoms of infection; redness, swelling, puss and heat around the wound. The deep ones were the worst. Some of the older, deep ones hadn't even closed up properly yet. They looked extremely painful, but when Padmé started to clean and dress them, Ahsoka didn't even flinch. "Do they hurt?" She looked at the younger girl.

"You mean now or when I did them?" Ahsoka asked, helping Padmé hold the bacta patch in place on her arm with her free hand.

"Both, I guess." Padmé replied, cringing at one of the deepest cuts. It looked painful. Actually, they all looked pretty painful to Padmé. It probably needed stitches, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to get Ahsoka to see a doctor because she'd refuse to go. The Senator was already feeling nauseous and she hadn't even started on the other arm yet!

"Well, they hurt a little when I did them, I guess. Because all the things that are going on in your head," she pointed to her head with her free hand, "just disappear. I could feel the pain in my arm, but in a way, I couldn't. I just can't explain. The part that comes after hurts though. When I cleaned them, they sting really badly, but it's not really a bad thing. Makes me feel even better, I guess. And they hurt a little now, but not much…" She said, clenching her teeth when Padmé cleaned a fairly new cut that hadn't even started to scab over yet.

"I'm guessing you haven't really been looking after these, have you?"

"Not really… I cleaned the deeper ones and I washed all the blood away, but they just kept splitting back open when I cleaned them, so I just left them… I thought they'd heal quicker if they were closed up." Ahsoka said, biting her lip, looking down at the floor she didn't have to look at Padmé.

"Well, I hope you know that the reason they keep reopening is because they need stitches… And they're all infected because you haven't been cleaning them and they've been covered up so no oxygen has gotten to them. Ahsoka, I'm sure you know that these are all going to scar…" Padmé said sadly. She was going to have to live with the scars for the rest of her life. She was so young, so beautiful, and she was going to have these scars on her body for the rest of her life.

"I know…" Ahsoka sighed, glancing at her arm, before continuing, "I guess I didn't think about that when I did them. I'm sorry, Padmé… You must be so ashamed of me." She looked down at the ground.

"No, Ahsoka, I'm not." It's just going to be hard for me to see someone as young and as beautiful as you living with these marks on your skin for the rest of your life. Just imagine if you ever had children and you're child asked you how you got them?"

"Padmé, I'm never having kids, remember? I'm never going to have a family, I'm a Jedi." Ahsoka shrugged, "Who'd ever love me anyway?"

"Ahsoka, don't say that. I'm sure if you weren't a Jedi, you'd have all the boys after you. And anyway, even if you don't start a family of your own, Anakin and Obi-Wan and I are your family… And the clones."

Ahsoka bit the inside of her cheek, flash backs appearing in her mind. Dead clones, everywhere; limp bodies, crimson blood, everywhere. She blinked the horrifying image away. "All of the Clones hate me, Padmé…" Ahsoka murmured quietly, staring at the ground and shuffling her feet.

Padmé bit her lip. She regretting bringing up the Clones. "What about Lux and all your friends?"

Ahsoka laughed slightly, thought there was no humour in it at all. "And what would they say if they found out? 'Oh yeah, that Ahsoka girl. That weird freak who cuts herself when she's upset.'"

"Ahsoka…"

Ahsoka stood up quickly, anger suddenly escalating through her, "It's true though, isn't it? Look at me; I'm a mess." Ahsoka threw her arms out, her voice getting louder and louder as she spoke, "I'm a failure. I'm supposed to be this. I'm meant to be strong, that's what I've been trained to be. But I'm not. I'm weak. I'm not worthy enough to be Jedi; look at all the trouble and destruction I've caused. I got so many people killed that day. I'm a murderer." Ahsoka rubbed her forehead, and then her eyes. She wouldn't cry; she'd spent half of her recent time crying, anyway. "Look Padmé," Ahsoka lowered the volume of her voice back to normal, "I appreciate all your help, but it's really not needed. I have everything under control."

"Under control?!" Padmé burst out, standing up quickly, "Ahsoka, you look at yourself in the mirror and tell me that everything is under control. You look at your arms and tell me that. You're depressed and you need some support, whether it's from me or whoever. You certainly _don't _have everything under control. What happens if you cut too deep? What happens if you kill yourself?! You do not have everything under control, Ahsoka Tano, and I'm calling Anakin over right now to-"

"No!" Ahsoka stopped the Senator midsentence, "No. Padmé, don't… He can't know, he mustn't ever know! Don't tell him, please… I'd rather have the Jedi Order know but him…please Padmé don't… He's already so disappointed in me. He's probably sending me back, and he'd definitely send me back if he knew about this." Ahsoka was on the verge of tears. If Anakin found out… she didn't even know what she'd do.

"Ahsoka, he needs to know. He's your Master and he has a right to know." Padmé said. Anakin did deserve to know, this was his Padawan! The girl was basically his little sister, or even a daughter! They were – or used to be – so close. They'd learnt to love and trust eachother over the years, and it was his job to train and protect her.

"Padmé, you don't understand… He-he's already so angry with me. He'd hate me even more if he found out. He can't know… He's already got so much weight on his shoulders, and him knowing about my stupid, pathetic problems would just make him more stressed. He mustn't know…" Ahsoka begged. Maybe if she got down on her knees she'd be able to convince her…

"Ahsoka, he's going to find out one day." Padmé stated. She was probably right, but Ahsoka didn't want to believe her. She refused to believe her.

"It's not like her cares anyway!" Ahsoka was shouting again, pacing around the room. "Who'd even care about someone who got hundreds and hundreds of Clones killed?! Who cares about a stupid, pathetic, worthless _failure _like me?! I'll make sure he doesn't find out. He won't. The only way he'd ever find out is if you tell him, or I do. And _none _of those things are going to happen. He _can't _know."

"Why don't you just talk to him about this?!"

Ahsoka wasn't just shouting anymore. She was screaming. "Because he hasn't even gone near me for the past two weeks, let alone _speak _to me! Why can't you understand? He doesn't want me around! I've apologised so many times already, he doesn't _care, _and he doesn't want to speak to me! I've tried already, but it doesn't work! What's the point of trying something if it's not going to work?!"

"That's not true! Anakin does care about you!" Padmé shouted back, her tone almost matching Ahsoka's, only not as harsh.

"Well, Senator, it is true. If he had wanted to speak to me – if _anyone_ had wanted to speak to me – they would have come to my quarters and spoken to me. I've been there for two weeks and no one at all has come to see me. So do you know what that means, Padmé? Oh yes, _no one wants to see me. _Anakin even knows I've been sitting there. He knows I'm there day and night, but he doesn't come to see me." Ahsoka grabbed her cloak from where it was resting on a table and threw it around her. She yanked up the hood violently. She wasn't dealing with this anymore. She was fed up now. She didn't care anymore. Just as she reached the door, she turned, anger flashing in her eyes, the shadow of her hood hiding most of her face in darkness as she snarled, baring her teeth, "And if anyone finds out about this, I'll make sure you'll regret it." The door slammed loudly behind her.

Padmé stood there, shocked. Ahsoka had threatened her. She was sure she had seen Ahsoka's eyes flicker a sickening yellow colour, and she was sure she wasn't imagining it. She didn't want to admit, but she was actually scared. Ahsoka used to be – she still was, deep down – a lovely girl. She was so sweet and kind and caring.

The Senator tried to convince herself that Ahsoka was only acting that way because of stress and lack of sleep. It was obvious she hadn't been sleeping or eating properly. She was so tense, as well; Padmé wouldn't be surprised if the Padawan had been experiencing back pains and sore shoulders and neck.

But something, a voice in the back of her mind, was telling her that it wasn't because of that. Ahsoka had spent so much time hating herself, maybe she was taking out on other now… She didn't know. Perhaps the guilt and sadness was driving her crazy, and she was slowly going insane…

She needed to speak to Anakin. If she did, though, and Ahsoka found out, what would she do? Padmé knew that the child was absolutely capable of killing; she was sixteen - almost seventeen, she reminded herself – and she'd already killed living beings; and not just with her lightsaber. And seeing the way Ahsoka had acted before she left, Padmé grew very anxious; Ahsoka may still be the same girl, but she was changing, and it _wasn't _for the better…

… … … … …. … … … … … …

Sitting on her bed, Ahsoka smacked her head against the wall the cold wall she was leaning on. How could she have been so stupid?! Threatening the Senator of Naboo! She was an idiot. She'd surely tell Anakin now… or the _police. _

She was so stupid. She messed everything up. _No wonder Anakin never wanted you in the first place. You're pathetic. Anyone would make a better apprentice than a failure like you. _

Luckily for her, Anakin wasn't in, but she was so worried. Padmé would tell him – or someone – she was sure of it. What in the Universe had she been thinking?

Another spark of rage flickered through her.

Soon, things were being thrown across the room; chairs, lamps, drawers, clothes, everything. She was losing control over everything. Both her actions and her feelings. She was going insane.

Objects smashed against the durasteel floors, shattering all over the floor. Glass clattered all over the floor, and it crunched under her boots. She couldn't take this anymore. Everything was falling apart. Her life was crumbling to pieces in front of her.

Breathing heavily, she looked at the many pieces of glass on the ground. That's what her life was now. Shattered pieces. Looking up, she examined the damage she'd done to her room. It was mess; like her life.

The only thing that caught her full attention was the knife lying on the ground. A few specks of dried blood stained the blade. Ahsoka crouched down and picked it up. It felt so familiar holding it in her hand. It must have fallen out of its drawer when she tipped the whole thing over.

Gripping the knife tightly in her hand, she stood again, clenching her teeth. She needed to calm down, and she knew she did, but she couldn't. She was so angry, and she couldn't control it. She was furious. _With who, though? _

Everyone. Herself, Padmé, Anakin, Plo, the Clones, _everyone. _Angry at Padmé for getting in her business, angry at Anakin for not talking to her, angry at the Clones for all the glares and harsh words they had said to her. But she was mostly angry at herself for letting it all happen.

Ahsoka was knew that she shouldn't be angry. That wasn't the Jedi way. She wasn't supposed to feel anger. But she did. It wasn't just anger; it was something _more _than that. In a way, she was kind of scared of herself, if she turned to the Darkside. However, at the moment, she didn't really care.

Hiding the knife in the folds of her cloak, the Padawan opened the door, stomping out the door way and into the living room. Happy memories of her and Anakin messing about flooded her mind. She shook her head, trying to get them to leave. Happy memories only made her feel worse; they made her wonder how things had changed so much.

Blinking away the memories, she took a deep breath. She had to leave. Not run away, just get out for a bit. No one would notice that'd she'd gone.

Checking her speeder keys were in her pocket, she stormed off, keeping her face hidden in the shadows of her hood. She put up her mental shields so no one could sense her negative emotions.

There was no way anything would ever be the same again. Padmé knew about the cutting, Anakin would never trust her again, the Clones would look at her and only see a failure who got hundreds of their brothers killed. She was sure that Plo would regret finding her.

She was never going to achieve anything. She'd never done anything special. She was just Ahsoka Tano; the failure, the embarrassment to the Jedi Order, the girl who couldn't follow orders and ruined everything.

She was Ahsoka Tano, and she was no one special.

All she'd wanted to do for years was prove that she could amount up to something. No one believed in her at first. She only wanted to prove herself. That had changed now, however. Now, all she wanted was to be forgiven for the mess she'd caused. For everyone to like her again, for the scars to fade away, for everything to be back the way it used to be.

… … … … … … … … … … …

Rubbing his tired eyes, Anakin let out a breath through his mouth and trudged down the hallway. He'd come back from his tiring mission late in the night, when most Jedi – certainly the Younglings and Padawan's – would be sleeping. Ahsoka would be sleeping probably.

He was kind of shocked when he realised that he hadn't spoken to her for two weeks. He'd seen her around a few times – hidden in her cloak that was too big for her, her dull eyes focusing on the ground – but he'd never actually spoken to her. He couldn't bring himself to. He would snap at her again, he was sure of it.

He didn't know whether to talk to her not; he knew he'd have to forgive someday, but he just couldn't. She disobeyed his orders and got hundreds killed. She'd failed him _and _the Republic.

That had made him look like a bad Master.

After a long think, Anakin decided that maybe it was time to forgive the girl. Even if he was angry and disappointed, everyone deserved a second chance.

He still cared for her – of course he did, she was his Snips – and he wanted to know if she was okay. Everyone had told him that no one had seen her around much, and she was rarely seen in the mess hall. They said that she hadn't been eating a lot either, which concerned him.

When he reached their quarters he set down all his things in his room and then stood in front of the Togruta's bedroom door. He hadn't seen her in a good few days. She'd be asleep, but he wanted to make sure she was. The girl had a history of staying up extremely late and then complaining that was tired the next day. It was a teenager thing.

He opened the door slowly, and the sight he saw shocked him. It was a mess; everything was tipped over, glass was shattered on the floor, clothes were slumped in the corners. It looked like an earthquake had occurred.

Ahsoka was not there. He couldn't sense her, either. At first he thought that maybe she'd be kidnapped, but no one could possible get into the Temple with all the guards. It was impossible.

So, there was one option left.

She'd run away.

And he was going to kill her when he found her.

… … … … … … … … … …

**Well, it looks like this might just be a littttlllleeee longer than three chapters… **

**Anyway, sorry for the sucky chapter, I guess I kinda rushed it a little. Thanks to all my wonderful, supportive reviewers as well! **

**Love you all! Hope you're all okay. Oh, just thought I'd let you all know, I'm planning on stopping cutting. You guys have made me want to stop :) So far, 5 days. **

**Please review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Broken**

**O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O**

It was 2 AM and Ahsoka still wasn't home. Anakin was sitting on her bed, head in his hands. This was all his fault. Had he treated Ahsoka so badly that she had run away? Had all the glares and dirty looks driven her away? Maybe ignoring her had made her think that he didn't want her anymore…

Where was she? How long had she been gone?

All these unanswered questions were swimming around in his head.

He'd decided hours ago that he'd start looking for her when it was day time. He'd have a better chance finding her when it was lighter. Who knew, perhaps she would return soon.

He glanced around Ahsoka's room; it was an absolute mess. What had she done to it? Her room had never really been tidy – a teenager's room is _never _clean, anyway – but it looked like an earthquake had occurred, or a hurricane.

Maybe – hopefully – Ahsoka would return soon, and they could talk. Anakin would apologise and everything would be back to normal again.

He was still angry; angry that'd she'd run away. However, his anger was not as strong as it was before. He felt guilty; guilty that he had driven Ahsoka away. He didn't even know where she was; he was her guardian, the person who was supposed to look after her; he'd done the complete opposite. He'd abandoned her.

Though, he knew that it mustn't have just been him. It took a lot of things for Ahsoka Tano to break. Ahsoka was a strong girl; just one person alone could not make her run away.

Then suddenly, his comlink beeped. Who'd be calling him at two in the morning? It had to be an emergency… He answered it straight away. "General Skywalker, here."

"Ani?" An anxious voice sounded through the comlink.

"Padmé? Padmé, what's wrong?" Why did she sound so worried? What was she even doing up at this time?

"Anakin… I need to talk to you. It's about Ahsoka. Could you come round please?"

"I'll be there right away. I love you." Now Anakin was worried. Perhaps Ahsoka was with Padmé? He hoped so.

… … … … … …

Anakin was not home, which didn't surprise Ahsoka. He was always out now, probably wanting to stay far away from his Padawan as possible. Ahsoka knew he had been back – he left his bedroom door open, and it hadn't been open earlier that day. She just hoped he hadn't seen her room.

Arms dripping with blood, Ahsoka sighed, a very slight smile on her face. However, the smile faded when she looked up and saw her reflection in the mirror. What she saw wasn't Ahsoka Tano; it was a fragile, broken girl who didn't know what to do anymore. A girl with a fake smile and eyes that had seen too much. A girl who wanted nothing more than to go back in time and change everything.

Though, Ahsoka saw past the image the mirror showed. She was not broken, she told herself. She didn't deserve any help whatsoever; no matter how much she craved it.

Ahsoka was not Ahsoka anymore; she was a monster. A murderer, a killer.

Ahsoka gripped the edges of the sink with her hands tightly. The blood rolled down her arm, streaming down her hands and in between fingers, dripping onto the floor. She didn't care; she was too focused on the monster staring back at her in the mirror.

She swallowed, eyes still fixed on her reflection.

It was then that she realised she looked terrible. Dark circles around her dull, lifeless eyes, the paleness of her skin... Her headtails were even dull. She'd noticed she'd lost weight too, as Padmé had pointed out. Her clothes hung off her body slightly – they definitely weren't as tight as they used to be. She could even see the thinness of her body; her collar bones were a lot more prominent, as were her ribs and hip bones and she noticed that even her shoulders looked thinner.

She started to feel slightly dizzy, which told her that she needed to stop the bleeding. Perhaps the dizziness was also from the small amount of food she ate. The floor had quite a few small pools of blood, and the sink had small streams of blood in it too. The knife rested next to the tap, coated in blood.

Padmé was right; she didn't have everything under control. In fact, just about everything in her life had gone spiralling out of control. She didn't even have a grip on her own life anymore.

After cleaning up her cuts and the bathroom, Ahsoka made a start on clearing up her room. Just cleaning took a lot of energy out of her; not that she'd had much anyway. From all the lack of food and sleep, she looked and felt like a zombie. She was always tired, but she could never sleep.

Even driving had worn her out. She'd taken a long drive out in Coruscant. After a while, she decided to park up and take a walk. The air was fresh, and it actually felt good to be out of the Temple. She missed being outside. She used to love going outside and being around people. Now she hated it. She hated being around others, and even if it _did _hurt, she preferred to be alone. That's what she was used to now.

Though, it was not in her nature to like being by herself. When everyone first started to leave her – abandon her – she _had _tried to spend time with them and get everyone to forgive her. But when she saw that no one would forgive her, she started to give up. What was the point of trying if it wasn't going to work? She'd accepted that she alone now. It may have been hard and hurtful, but she knew that she had to. She'd decided that it was worse and that it hurt more to try hard and then get knocked down constantly than just not trying and avoiding getting knocked down at all.

She'd decided that she'd never get close to people again. She wouldn't let people in, never let them know anything more than they needed to know about her.

It seemed that everyone she was close to either got killed or she'd do something stupid and they'd hate her. She disappointed them so they decided that she wasn't worth all the trouble anymore. Who'd want to be around a bratty, untrustworthy Togruta who managed to destroy everything she touched?

She'd just close herself off; only speak when spoken to, push everyone away. She refused to let people get close. That way she wouldn't get hurt anymore. If she wasn't close to anyone, when they leave, it wouldn't hurt as much. Letting people in meant that they'd eventually leave. They always did. She'd been close to a lot of people; Rex, Obi-Wan, Plo, Anakin… And now they all hated her, wanted nothing to do with her.

Though…all she wanted was someone who cared – _really, truly cared – _someone she could always talk to when she was upset, when she was troubled and things on her mind. In a way, she _wanted _someone to find out she was depressed and that she cut. Then she'd get the help she wanted; the help she _wanted, _not _deserved. _

Even if a small part of her wanted someone else to find out and not be mad at her for it, the larger, stronger part of her wanted to keep it all a secret forever and ever. If people knew, they'd think she was weak and couldn't handle pain. They'd think she was a freak.

If she _did _push everyone away, she knew that she wouldn't have the luxury of having someone who cared. But what was better? More pain by having everyone leave and then eventually being alone, or just the loneliness of having no one. She'd get used to the loneliness; it was something that she was already so familiar with. And people wouldn't get hurt when she did something stupid. Maybe she really _was _better off alone…

Everything was just so confusing.

When her room was finally clean, an exhausted Ahsoka dragged herself over to the window in her room. She leant on the windowsill and stared. It was a thing she did a lot, lately; staring out of a window, getting lost in her thoughts.

She watched the speeders that zoomed by; all those happy people with good life's. They had nothing to worry about, no weight on their shoulders. Obviously everyone had their own problems, but not many sixteen-year-olds were fighting in a war, with the weight of Universe on their shoulders. She was just jealous of all those happy people… They didn't know what it was like to feel that they weren't good enough for anyone; they didn't know how the pure guilt and self-hatred felt when someone close to them dies or gets hurt.

If Master Plo had never found her, she could be one of those happy people. With no threats in her life, no pain or death caused because of her. She could even have a family – something she'd never really had. Sure, she had her parents and maybe even some siblings when she was younger, but all that was taken away from her when she was just three-years-old. She didn't even know her parents' names. Who were they? Were they still alive? She didn't know. She never would either.

Though, she guessed she had her own little family. She classed the Jedi and the Clones as family. _Used _to class them as family, she corrected herself. They used to think of her as family, too.

A small yawn escaped her mouth. She was tired – she was always tired – but she was just so exhausted. After checking the 'fresher one last time for any droplets of blood, the Padawan slipped off her boots and slowly climbed into her bed, resting her head on the pillows. Sleep seemed to evade her, just like it did every night.

So she lay there, staring up at the ceiling, hands crossed lazily across her stomach with her elbows resting on the mattress. She'd stared at that ceiling so much she was sure she remembered every little detail about it.

For the first time in a few days she actually felt calm, like everything that had been bothering her had somehow disappeared, thanks to the cutting. Her arms still throbbed and stung, but she didn't care. The small pain was soothing. She knew all her burdens would come back of course; they always did, but for now she tried to enjoy the feeling of relaxation and calmness.

Soon, her eyes began to close slowly, exhaustion finally taking over body. As she started to drift off into her fitful, nightmare-plagued sleep, she wished the same thing she'd wished every night since _it _happened.

_She wished she wouldn't ever wake up. _

… … … … … … … … …

Padmé opened the door before he even had a chance to knock. She gripped his hand and led him inside quickly before wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head on his shoulder.

Wrapping his stronger arms around his wife, he said, "Where's Ahsoka, is she here?"

Padmé pulled out of Anakin's embrace, "No. Is she not in your apartment?"

"No…" Anakin replied, eyes drifting down towards the floor. She wasn't here; she'd run away for sure. He didn't know whether to be angry or worried, but he felt both of those emotions anyway so it didn't really matter. "Her room is trashed, though. Everything's broken and smashed. Clothes are everywhere and just about everything is on the floor."

Padmé gasped and put a hand over her mouth, "You mean someone has kidnapped her?!" This was all her fault. If she hadn't of gotten so angry with Ahsoka she wouldn't have stormed out, and she'd still be here. They could have talked everything out with Anakin, and everything would have been okay again.

"No," Anakin said, looking up again, "I'm sure she hasn't been kidnapped. The Temple is far too complex to miss something like that. It's almost impossible for intruders to get in. Anyway, if someone _has _snatched Ahsoka, she would have put up a fight. She would have gone down kicking and screaming… I think she's run away. But I have no idea where she would have gone… The Temple is her home; she doesn't have anywhere else to go. She doesn't know her family and the only friends she's got are either Jedi or Clones."

"I know but… I think she thinks that anywhere is better than the Temple at the moment." Padmé said sadly, looking down to the floor, arguing with herself about whether to tell Anakin everything she had found out about her husband's Padawan.

Anakin looked confused. He stepped closer to his wife, "What do you mean by that?"

The Senator bit her lip anxiously. She wanted to tell him everything. She _needed _to, for Ahsoka's benefit. She was just so lost and confused at the moment; she needed all the support she could get. It was time for everyone to forgive her and help her through everything she was going through.

However, she couldn't just betray Ahsoka like that. Ahsoka was so ashamed and angry at herself, she didn't want anyone at all to know about all her problems and struggles. She didn't want Anakin to know because of her fear of what he'd – or anyone, for that matter – would think of her if they knew.

Ahsoka was like a daughter to Padmé – and it felt so wrong to betray her. Ahsoka was so fragile and broken at the moment, and she feared that something – _anything _– could just push her over the edge and she'd lose her mind. Ahsoka would never trust her again if she told Anakin. She'd hate her.

She was arguing with herself, she had no idea what to do. Betraying Ahsoka's trust in her could just be the thing that pushes her off the edge.

Anakin, becoming more and more worried by his wife's silence, said her name gently to bring her back to reality. When she finally looked at him with her troubled brown eyes, he repeated her name again, rubbing her upper arms with his hands. Something was wrong.

Padmé sighed; she'd made her decision. It seemed like this was the only way Ahsoka would get what she _wanted _and what she _needed _at the same time. "Earlier today, I invited Ahsoka out to dinner with me. I hadn't seen her in a while and I wanted to see her. We went out and after dinner we came back here. I noticed she looked…unlike herself: she's lost weight, she's pale…frankly, she looks terrible. She was acting a lot unlike herself as well. She was quiet, and we both know Ahsoka's never quiet. So, I asked her about what was bothering her and at first she insisted that it was nothing, but I knew she was lying. So...she told me about what happened, Anakin. About that mission." Padmé finished, even though she felt incredibly guilty for telling Anakin a small part of Ahsoka's problems. She may not have told him the worst of it, but it was part of it and she still felt like she'd betrayed the Togruta.

"So, the mission is what's making her upset?" Anakin crossed his arms over his chest; he didn't, for whatever reason, look impressed.

"I don't know, Ani… She only told me that she was upset about everything that had happened." Padmé felt bad for lying to her husband, but this was the only way Ahsoka would be able to get help. This would be the only way that the Master and the Apprentice would sort out everything that was going on between them. Though, she had a horrible, sinking feeling that maybe it wouldn't help, it would perhaps tear them apart even more. "I think you should talk to her. She didn't say this but…she misses you. She told me that you both haven't spoken in weeks."

It was obvious that the both of them didn't trust eachother anymore… Anakin – from Ahsoka's point of view – was angry and disappointed in her, and Ahsoka was drowning in a sea of self-hatred, thinking that everyone – as well as herself – hated her and didn't want her around.

"Padmé, you don't understand. You weren't there when she _disobeyed _direct orders. If only she had followed those orders. If she had, everything would be fine. I wouldn't be angry with her if she had just listened to me. This has happened before and it's obvious that Ahsoka isn't learning her lesson."

Padmé couldn't help but wince at her husband's harsh words. He didn't even know what was _really _going on in that girl's head. He didn't know that Ahsoka_ had _learnt her lesson, and that she was destroying herself over it. Though, she didn't want to argue with him, it was obvious that he was also stressed. She could tell by the way he was constantly running his hands through his hair, the bags under his eyes and paleness of his skin. "Anakin, please…" She stepped closer, wrapping her arms around his neck, his forehead resting on hers, "just talk to her. You two can't keep avoiding eachother forever. For goodness sakes, you _live _together, you_ train _together and you're going to have to spend time with her when you're sent off on missions and battles. You both need to talk and sort things out." Padmé paused slightly, that feeling of guilt creeping up again, "Ahsoka needs you, Anakin; probably now more than ever. It's time for you to forgive her and help her, because she's hurting, and one of the things she wants most is for things to return to normal. _She need you." _

… … … … … … … … …

**Well, here we are… Chapter 4. So, they'll be **_**at least **_**one more chapter after this one. **

**Sorry this one is up late – My other Granddad died on the 7****th**** of February, and I had his funeral the other day. And I know I have a lot of stories I need to update and all that, but this story is getting me back into writing. **

**Also, my updates have been delayed because all my documents got deleted when I was sorting out my laptop. **

**And wow. The Season 5 finale so far? BRILLAINT. I'm so excited for the next two episodes, but I'm also scared… WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO OUT LITTLE SOKA?! But yeah, The Jedi Who Knew Too Much was AMAZING. Truly amazing.**

**Please review? **


	5. Chapter 5

**Broken**

**O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O**

Ahsoka shot up, her eyes wide and full of fear. She was tired of all these nightmares. They were driving her insane, she swore. Every night, every time she fell asleep, she was forced to see those Clones die again and again. It was driving her crazy. She couldn't deal with these nightmares anymore.

She glanced at the chrono. She'd slept for about seven hours, which was a whole three hours more than she'd recently been having. She smiled. She was still tired of course – when wasn't she tired? – But at least she'd caught up on her sleep a little.

A week ago, she'd gone through a stage of forcing herself to stay awake all night because she was afraid of the nightmares that plagued her every time she closed her eyes. It was not healthy at all, however, so eventually she had to sleep. She told herself to just deal with the nightmares – they'd go away eventually. She just hoped that it'd be soon, because she couldn't even find peace in her sleep. It seemed even sleep wanted her to suffer. Like the days weren't hard enough to get through.

Ahsoka sat herself up properly, rubbing her tired, cloudy blue eyes. She suspected that today wasn't going to be much different to any other day. She'd probably sit in her room again and skip meals, like she did most days.

She didn't want to go to the mess hall. That's where people were. She didn't like people anymore. When she did go to the mess hall, she'd hide in her oversized cloak, hoping that no one would notice her. Of course they noticed her, though. She could feel them glaring at her, giving her dirty looks. Sometimes she could hear the Clones or the other Padawan's talking about her.

Even the Younglings didn't like to spend time with her. She used to teach a class every now and again, back when they looked up to her. She was the Chosen One's Padawan; she was supposed to set a good example. Youngling's used to look up to her and wish they were a powerful Padawan like her. In their eyes, she had to be great and powerful; she'd been promoted to an apprentice two years early. Now, from what they'd been told, she was not someone to look up to at all.

Everyone hated her, thought she was a failure, and she knew it. She could see it in their eyes; sense their emotions and what they were thinking. No one wanted her around. So she stayed hidden away where she couldn't hurt anyone. Even if it made her miserable, at least she wasn't doing anything wrong.

She'd do anything to avoid people these days. Skipping meals was one of those things. She'd rather not eat that sit in the middle of a room full of people who hated her.

Ahsoka's anxiety was growing; Padmé must have told someone. Anakin, probably. She knew how close they both were… She sometimes wondered if there was anything going on between them. It was possible – anything seemed possible these days – but Anakin was a Jedi and Padmé was a Senator… Surely it wouldn't work. It just couldn't.

She hoped – prayed, even – that the Senator hadn't told anyone. Even if Ahsoka was worried and scared about Padmé's knowledge of her 'habit', the Padawan was still furious and irritated at the Senator. It wasn't even her business! She wasn't her Mother, she couldn't tell her what to do. She shouldn't have stuck her nose in – she had no right.

Though, she did feel bad for losing control of her emotions and yelling at Padmé. She felt even worse about threatening her. Padmé was like the mother she'd never had. She had always been there for her when she needed her, and now, Ahsoka was just pushing her away. She didn't want to lose one of the only people who actually cared about her.

But there was no turning back now. She couldn't change the past.

Perhaps if she apologised to Padmé, she'd forgive her and they could talk everything out. She'd still make sure she didn't tell anyone – she just wouldn't threaten her or explode at her this time.

Deciding that apologising would be the best thing to do, Ahsoka got out of her messy bed, taking some clothes out from her drawer.

As the Padawan walked towards the 'fresher to shower, she hissed in pain when she stepped on something sharp. Swearing to herself (something Anakin had told her _not _to do) Ahsoka hoped into the 'fresher, throwing her clothes onto the floor.

Ahsoka sat down on the floor and looked at her foot. Quite a large, jagged shard of glass was wedged into her foot. It was bleeding a quite a bit, and it kriffing hurt.

_Why is it that self-inflicted wounds barely hurt, and then accidents hurt like hell? _Ahsoka thought, quickly yanking out the sharp of glass. More blood gushed out from the gash on her heel.

Ahsoka looked away quickly, swallowing hard. Seeing herself bleed like that was _extremely _triggering. She has getting that feeling, the one telling her to injure herself. She clenched her fists tightly; she didn't even know that the glass was digging into the palm of her hand, slowly tearing through the soft skin. Soon the blood was dripping through her fingers and onto the floor.

Ahsoka pulled up the sleeve of her right arm and held the glass to her arm. "Just one." She told herself. _Just one. _She'd told herself that many times. One was never enough. It never had been enough.

She was so addicted to this now. She didn't even need a reason to slice her own skin anymore. _She just did it. _Even if she was bored she would do it; she was just that addicted to the pain that always seemed to make her happier.

She didn't even know if she regretted starting it at all. It made her feel better when things were rough. It felt good. But living with the scars for the rest of her life… would she be able to deal with that? And if other people found out – what would they say? Would they help and support her or think she was a freak? Not that they would care anyway; they didn't care about her now, so why would they care later on?

She knew what she did wasn't normal or healthy. But how could something so bad feel so good? It couldn't be all bad… Wounds heal, it's not like they'll be cuts forever.

Five deep gashes leaked out blood, rolling down her forearm and dripping onto the floor. It hurt, but it felt so good. She was even more triggered now. Wanting more cuts, wanting more pain, Ahsoka shook her head and dropped the glass on her floor. Five deep ones would be enough. She didn't need to loose anymore blood today. Now she needed to get cleaned up.

The bad thing about cutting was the mess it made. There was blood on the floor and her arm wouldn't stop bleeding. After cleaning up the blood on the floor with a towel she threw it in the side and stripped herself of her clothing. She held her arm as she stepped in the shower; she didn't want any more blood spilling onto the floor. She couldn't be bothered to clean it up.

After her arm had _finally _stopped bleeding, Ahsoka stepped out of the shower, feeling more awake and less drowsy. A hot shower always did do her good, no matter how she felt.

As she dressed herself, being careful not to catch her arm on anything and make it bleed again, she glanced over at the bloody towel that was slumped in the corner. How was she going to get rid of that without anyone seeing?

Oh well, she had an excuse. Nose bleed would do.

… … … … … … … …

She stood outside of Padmé's door, her hands clutching the sleeves of her cloak. She was anxious. What if Padmé hated her now? What if she was afraid of her? How could she have been stupid enough to threaten her? She should have been careful.

She was such a disappointment. She couldn't do anything right these days. It would be better if she was dead; no one would have to deal with her stupid mistakes.

It was no wonder she was never chosen a Padawan. She had to be _given away _to someone instead.

Slowly, she raised her hand and knocked on the door, keeping her head down. Almost immediately Padmé answered the door, pulling her in quickly, gripping her arm tightly. Ahsoka hissed in pain quietly – Padmé was putting a lot of pressure on her most recent cuts.

"Padmé," Ahsoka wrestled her arm out of Padmé's grip, "I wanted to apologise for what I said yesterday. It was uncalled for and rude and I feel really bad. I didn't mean what I said."

"I know you didn't, Ahsoka." Padmé said, resting a hand on Ahsoka's shoulder, though, Ahsoka shrugged it off.

"No, I was wrong, you shouldn't forgive me. I shouldn't have said what I said." The Padawan turned away from her.

"Ahsoka, don't worry." She smiled gently, "I forgive you, I promise."

Ahsoka turned round again, now facing the Senator.

Padmé's eyes widened when she saw a large blood stain on the arm of Ahsoka cloak. "Ahsoka! You're arm's bleeding!" She rushed forward and held Ahsoka's arm. "Oh, Ahsoka. Did I do this? When I pulled you in?"

Ahsoka pulled her arm away, muttering something that very much sounded like a swear-word, "Um, yeah, probably, don't worry, its fine."

"No, it's not, it's bleeding a lot. I'm so sorry, Ahsoka! Please let me see?"

"No, I told you, it's fine."

"You've done it again, haven't you?"

"No." Ahsoka said, looking away and biting her lip. She hated lying. Lies were one of those things that could easily destroy a friendship or relationship. Lies were bad, but she couldn't let her find out she'd been doing it again.

"Then why won't you let me see your arm then? I've seen them before." Padmé put her hands on her hips, eying the teenager. She better not be lying.

Padmé was not ashamed of Ahsoka for what she did. She could never be ashamed of her. She was upset that Ahsoka felt like hurting herself was the only option. How could she not have known that Ahsoka was losing her mind? She should have found out sooner, before everything got out of hand. Perhaps this was her fault as well… She wasn't there when Ahsoka needed her most. No one was there for her, and that was even worse. Anakin, Plo and even Obi-Wan weren't there for the child, and they should have been. Padmé realised that it was actually no surprise that Ahsoka turned to self-harm. She had no one there for her and it made her feel that no one cared.

"Because I don't feel comfortable with people seeing them…"

"You're lying, Ahsoka. Ahsoka please just let me see. It's not like anyone is here to see. It's just me and you. And just so you know, I haven't told Anakin. I won't tell him either, because you and I both know that he's going to find out eventually. You keep telling yourself that he won't find out, that you can hide it from everyone forever. But you can't, and deep down you know that as well."

"He _won't _find out. I'll make sure he doesn't. I can hide it from him, just like I do from everyone else. He won't find out." Ahsoka said, telling herself that he wouldn't find out. He couldn't. He'd hate her so much more than he already did.

Maybe if she was a good Padawan, maybe if she tried harder and trained harder, he'd accept her then she could impress him, like she had always wanted to. She'd push herself to the maximum, just to impress him. Perhaps he'd be proud of her then.

"Who won't find out what?"

Ahsoka swung round, eyes wide. "M-Master. Nothing, it doesn't matter." She stuttered. Kriff, he hadn't heard all that had he?" When had he walked in?!

It was kind of strange hearing his voice again. She hadn't heard him speak for ages.

"Padmé? What is Ahsoka talking about? Who won't find out what?" He looked towards his wife.

Padmé was torn. Should she tell him now? If she did, they could all talk it out and make everything normal again. Anakin and Ahsoka would mend their bond. Everything would be fine again.

Ahsoka turned to Padmé, her eyes pleading her not to tell him. Padmé could see the terror in Ahsoka's eyes, and she immediately felt guilty. She couldn't tell him and hurt Ahsoka like that; not when she was so fragile and broken. Anakin would find out eventually anyway, like she had said. She knew it, and so did Ahsoka, deep down. There was no way she could hide her arms forever.

This was Anakin and Ahsoka's mess. As Master and Apprentice, it was _them _who had to sort out their own problems. It would help mend their bond and make it strong again, and they would both regain trust in eachother again.

Ahsoka swivelled around again, "It's nothing, Master." She hid her arm behind her back; she could feel the blood on her arm, and it was soaking through her sleeve, and the patch of blood was getting larger.

"You're not a very good liar, Ahsoka."

"It's nothing you need to concern yourself with, _Master." _She said, glaring at him, her anger brewing. Why did he need to know everything about her? He didn't even care! It was none of his business. She hated it when people stuck their nose in. "You haven't bothered to speak to me for the past two weeks, so it's none of your business anyway."

"I'm your Master, and you're _my Padawan. _What's your business is _my _business." Anakin was getting angry too.

"So, shouldn't your business be mine to? You can't trust me with your secrets, so why should I trust you with mine?"

Padmé stood, wringing her hands. She had a feeling that this was going to get nasty.

Anakin rubbed his forehead, mumbling to himself. Why was this child so difficult? Why couldn't she be like most Padawan's; obedient and respectful. Sure, he'd never really been any of those things, but at least he didn't disobey orders and get people killed. "What are you even doing here anyway?" He tried speaking in a softer tone; he didn't really like shouting in front of his wife, and he could see how nervous she looked in the situation.

"What, are you saying I'm restricted to the Temple? Am I not allowed to visit friends?"

"I never said that, Ahsoka." He said sternly. "But you aren't allowed out of the Temple without a Master's permission. And knowing you, you don't have permission."

"Well, maybe I could have asked you if you actually spent time with me! Maybe I wouldn't have to leave the Temple to visit friends if _you _weren't avoiding and ignoring me all the time!" She was shouting now, and boy could that girl shout.

"Well, maybe if you _obeyed _orders like most Padawans, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!" Anakin paced around, "Why are you so difficult, huh? Is obeying orders really that difficult for you? A Youngling could probably obey orders better than you can!" Anakin yelled at her, not having any idea of how much his words were hurting his Apprentice. His words were only confirming her fears and doubts.

Her anger brewed over the pain, "You know, it wasn't _my _idea to be your Apprentice! If I'm really that bad, why not just send me back?! That would be so much better for you, wouldn't it Mr Chosen-One? Maybe you can get a new Padawan, one that _actually _obeys you and does everything right! Someone who never makes any mistakes! It's obvious that I'm not good enough for you, so just send me back! Go on, do it! In fact, I might as well kill myself. You don't want me, no one else does, so I won't matter if I just leave will it? Ha, I bet no one will even notice! Then all of you can have a big party to celebrate me leaving! Do you know what? _I hate you. I hate all of you._" Breathing heavily, tears of frustration and pain in her eyes, she stormed towards to the door, slammed her hand onto the panel and stomped out.

Anakin stood there, still as a statue. He certainly hadn't expected her to lose it like that. He'd never seen her that angry before.

"Ani…" Padmé stepped forward, biting her lip. "Are you alright?"

"I… I've never seen Ahsoka act like that before. Never…" He was shocked. His Snips had completely lost control of herself. She'd changed…and it definitely wasn't good. Anger like that wasn't caused because of stress of lack of sleep. She had been _furious. _He was convinced that part of that anger was because of her Togruta heritage; the species were known to be easily angered. Ahsoka was a perfect example to prove it.

"You need to talk to her, Anakin." Padmé's tone was serious. "I told you she needed you, even if she's angry with you. You know how independent she is. She wants your help, but she doesn't want to look weak, so she's pushing you away. Anakin you need to just make up with her, because things are getting out of hand."

Anakin sighed; he was already so stressed with the war, and there was something _very _wrong with his Padawan. Things just weren't getting any better. The war was affecting everyone. "What did she mean by, 'He won't find out'? Who won't find out what?"

Padmé walked over to the window and stared out of it. She couldn't betray Ahsoka like that. She told her that she wouldn't tell Anakin, and she'd stick to that promise. Sighing, she said, "I can't tell you, Anakin. I'm sorry but you and Ahsoka need to sort everything out. Both of you need to just be friends again."

"But…we can't. She hates me. We're falling apart and it's my fault." He slumped down onto the couch. Everything was just so difficult.

"Anakin," the Senator sat next to her husband, "she doesn't mean it, you know she doesn't. She just confused and she doesn't know what she's doing. She just…hasn't been doing well these past few weeks. You two need to talk."

"When? I don't know what to say. What if she gets angry again and loses it again? She might not even be there when I get back!"

"Go now then. You'll know what to say when the time comes." Padmé also wanted Anakin to leave now, or at least as soon as possible. For all she knew, Ahsoka could be adding new wounds to herself at that very moment.

The conflicted Knight stood up, heading towards the door after kissing his wife's cheek. "I'll let you know how it goes later on…"

"Okay. Anakin, just…don't upset her, okay? That's the last thing she needs right now."

… … … … … … … … … … …

**Um, well, this was **_**supposed **_**to be the last chapter but… well, it's not. One more after this. Hopefully I can write the next one up a little quicker than this one. **

**Anyway. Season 5 finale. I cried. 'Nuff said. **

**Please review? :D I LOVE YOU ALL! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Broken**

**O0O0O0O0O0O0O**

She was fed up now. She didn't care anymore. She didn't care about anything. All she wanted now was to take a blade to her skin and cut. That was the only thing on her mind as she drove back to the Temple, not at all paying attention to the speed limit. She didn't care. Speeding tickets were the last thing on her mind at the moment.

Why had Anakin acted like that? Sure, she knew she was a terrible Padawan, but he acted like everything was her fault. She couldn't help being_ given_ to Anakin! If he really didn't like her that much, why didn't he just send her back? He never wanted her in the first place, so why had he kept her?

It was so confusing. A few tears streamed down her face, though, they were quickly brushed away. Crying was pathetic, she told herself. Crying was for weak children. And she was _not _a child. She was an adult and deserved to be treated as one.

Anakin just thought that she was just some pathetic Youngling. No, he thought she was less than that. She'd never be able to live up to his expectations. That was just it. He'd basically just told her that.

She hated never being good enough. She'd never been good enough. If she had been, she would have been chosen as an Apprentice, not _given away. _For once in her life she wanted to be _enough. _

Tears still shining in her stormy blue eyes, she walked through the door of their shared quarters, tossing the speeder keys on the table roughly. They keys slammed down on the golden wooden surface, making a loud bang sound which echoed around the whole room.

She stormed into her room, yanking her sleeve up and removing her blood stained gloves.

She couldn't think straight, she felt like she couldn't control herself. Soon the knife was pressed to her arm and blood started to stream down, her body emptying itself of her blood while her mind numbed. She just didn't want to think, didn't want to feel.

She was feeling so many things at that moment and she wanted them to stop and give her a break, just for once. She was so angry with Anakin, and even more at herself. Anakin had proved that he didn't think she was good enough, confirming her fears she'd kept hidden since she was fourteen. Why hadn't she been a better Apprentice? Why wasn't she _good enough?_

Voices screamed inside her head, telling her that she was worthless and had never been good enough. The voices would not stop, though. They were too strong this time, and the cutting wasn't helping at all. It did, however, numb down her raging emotions, but the voices just wouldn't stop.

_Hated._

_Pathetic._

_Worthless. _

With each word that echoed in her head, she felt as if she were being torn apart more and more. She couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want anything to do with living anymore; she didn't care if her actions would make her look like a coward. She just wanted it all to end.

Not that anyone would miss her anyway. Anakin had proved that he didn't want her, the Clones hated her, and she had no friends… Honestly, what was there to live for? She was positive that Anakin was going to send her back. And no one had chosen her to be their Padawan when she was still a youngling, so why would they choose her now? The voices were right; she was worthless and no one wanted her around anyway, so if she just died it wouldn't matter would it?

"Nobody cares…" She whispered to herself as she made another cut in her forearm.

The pain she felt was absolutely unbearable. She couldn't live like this. Any type of physical pain would have been better than what she felt on the inside.

Ahsoka studied her wrist. It was clean – it had no cuts and no scars. She'd never cut there, she'd always cut in places where she wasn't likely to lose too much blood. However, this time would be different.

She brought the sharp blade to her wrist and pressed down hard. This would be the end of her. She was going to die now. The thought of her dying was slightly comforting – she'd finally be happy again, and she wouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore. It would be better for everyone if she weren't around.

Though, she did feel slightly selfish. She was about to end her own life because of her stupid, pathetic problems, all caused by her own actions. Lots of people had it worse, yet they still carried on. Others had lost all their family in the war, others were slaves and there were others who were homeless and had nothing and no one.

Another voice, however, was telling her that her decision was not selfish. She was a pain; a burden to everyone. She was a walking disaster – she ruined everything and others got hurt because of it. If she _did _die, people wouldn't have to deal with her anymore and they could get on with their life's and not have to worry about the next stupid thing she would do. It'd be better for her and everyone else around her.

Yeah, she wasn't being selfish… She was thinking of others more than herself. This was for them.

Just as she was about to cut her wrist, the door opened and a very shocked looking Anakin entered the room.

"Ahsoka?! What are you doing?!" He rushed forward and wrestled the knife out of her shaking, pale hands and threw it across the room. The blade clattered to the floor, droplets of crimson blood splatting onto the floor.

"Give that back!" Ahsoka screamed, reaching for the knife, blood streaming down her arm and onto the floor.

"Ahsoka…" Anakin knelt down in front of her, a look of pure shock, fear and disbelief on his face. This was his Padawan and she was trying to end her own life. How did he let this happen?

Anakin wrapped his arms around the broken girl, not caring that her blood and her tears were soaking and staining his clothing. He tightened his grip on her as she started to cry even more.

This was all his fault.

If only he had treated her right. She made one mistake and that had caused everyone to turn their backs on her. He should have supported her when she needed him…and he had done the complete opposite. He'd pushed her away and made her think that he didn't care.

It's what everyone had done, including the people she thought as family. Plo Koon, Rex, Obi-Wan… They'd all hurt her and she couldn't handle it.

"Ahsoka I am so, so sorry…" He whispered to her, tears forming in his own eyes. She was just a child; she didn't deserve to be in enough pain to want to end her own life. Nobody deserved that.

She only cried more. "I j-just don't w-want to be h-here anymore…" Her shoulders trembled terribly, and he held her tighter.

Anakin honestly had no idea what to say. He didn't even know how to handle his own emotions, so how could he help Ahsoka with hers? She was breaking down in front of him and he had no idea what to do. She had just been cutting herself in front of him and he had no idea what to do. What kind of Master was he?

Still holding her, he looked at her arm, and he swore his heart broke for her. Deep gashes and dark scars tattooed her arm, blood dripping onto the floor. She'd been self-harming and he didn't even know about it. How did he not sense all the pain she was in?

He was such a terrible master.

He loosened his grip on her, and held her bleeding arm gently. The blood was beginning to stop now.

"Ahsoka… I don't… Why? How could you possibly to do this to yourself?" He literally could not get his words out; he was too shocked. He'd never felt so much disbelief in his life.

Knowing that she had nothing to hide anymore, she let all the bottled up emotions come out. She brushed away the tears and leant into Anakin. "I just don't want to be here anymore…" She said quietly, so quietly that Anakin had to strain his ears to hear her, "I have nothing to live for. You don't want me, nobody wants me… I'm all alone and no one even cares… I don't deserve to live anyway. I just cause trouble and get people killed. It shouldn't have been those Clones! _I _should have died for my own actions…"

"No, Snips, that's not true… I do still want you. I'd never send you back. I know I've been a terrible Master… I know. I should have supported you when you needed me, and I wasn't there. Ahsoka, I don't want you to ever feel like you have nobody, because you do have people that care about you. Me, and Obi-Wan and Master Plo…"

"You pushed me away… You avoided me and ignored me. You don't care… No one does." She stood up and sat on her bed, head in her hands, a couple of tears escaping her eyes.

"And I regret doing that to you. Ahsoka, I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change what I did. I should have comforted you. I knew you were hurting, yet I was stupid enough to ignore that fact. I'm so sorry…"

"Don't apologise…I'd probably do the same. I'm sorry I was given to you; I know you never wanted me in the first place and now I see why. Like you said, Younglings can follow orders better than me. You only kept me because you felt sorry for me…" That was how she'd always felt about being given to Anakin.

Anakin got to his feet and sat next to her on the bed. "Ahsoka I didn't mean what I said. You're better than any Youngling. I was just angry and you know how much this stupid war gets to me," He bumped her shoulder with his fist gently, smiling a little. His smile fell when she saw that her sad expression did not change one bit. "But I honestly didn't mean what I said. It was wrong. You were already so stressed and under so much pressure and I didn't help you at all by saying that. And Ahsoka, that's not true. Trust me, if I felt sorry for you, I would have still sent you back." He laughed a little – though, it was forced; he was trying to cheer her up a bit.

"Why did you keep me then? You hated me at first." She wiped her eyes, sniffing a little.

"Because I knew that you'd be a great Jedi, even if you were a little rough around the edges. After I got to know you a little, I saw that you'd be an amazing Jedi and that you were actually a lot more experienced and intelligent than a lot of people you're age, Jedi or not. And you're like me; though, I'm not really sure if that's a good or bad thing." He checked to see if his little joke had changed her expression at all, and his face fell when he saw that it hadn't.

"I still don't understand why you've kept me all this time. All I do is disobey you and cause trouble and it's obvious that I'm not wanted. No other Master's wanted me anyway, which is probably the main reason I was given to you."

"I don't see why; you're a great Padawan." Anakin put his arm around her, cutting her off as she was about to speak again, "And everyone makes mistakes. Some more than others, but we all learn from our mistakes."

"I still shouldn't have disobeyed you're order." She looked away from him, tears forming in her eyes again as she thought of all the deaths caused by her mistake.

"I disobeyed orders all the time when I was a Padawan. Nobody's perfect, and you shouldn't feel like you're being pressured to be perfect." He'd always felt pressured to be perfect as a Padawan, and he knew that Ahsoka felt the same. He sometimes found her training late at night, when she should have been sleeping, and he knew she'd skipped meals to train a few times as well. He'd done the same. Proving that you're good enough was something that they had both struggled with. It seemed as if Jedi Master's aren't easily pleased.

"But I _have _to be perfect. I'm a Commander, I need to set an example and I need people to trust me and listen to me. I shouldn't make mistakes, because they affect everyone around me."

Anakin moved from her side and knelt down in front of her, his hands on her shoulders. "Like I said, _nobody's perfect. _You made a mistake, and you'll continue making mistakes for the rest of your life. I make mistakes, and so does Obi-Wan and Master Windu and even Master Yoda."

"I guess, but…"

"Ahsoka, stop trying to find a way to blame yourself for everything. We've all made decisions we're not proud of, and I've forgiven you for your mistake." He was speaking the truth. He had forgiven her. He'd always forgive her; Ahsoka was one of those people you just couldn't stay mad at.

"You promise?"

He nodded, smiling, "I promise."

His smile grew even more when he saw a gentle smile play on her lips. He glanced at her arm again and held it gently. "Now, Ahsoka… You need to tell me how long this has been going on." He spoke in a gentle tone. They had just made up and he didn't want to upset her again. That was the last thing she needed. And _this _was such a difficult topic to talk about – not just for them, but for anyone.

She looked away, ashamed of herself, "Since the mission."

He knew what she meant by 'mission', "You really have made a mess of yourself, haven't you?" He sighed. These scars were going to be there forever.

Ahsoka shrugged, "Yeah…" She said quietly. She realised that Padmé was right; there was no way she'd be able to keep it hidden. Like her Master had said, she'd made a right mess of herself.

"Is your other arm like this, too?" Anakin asked sadly. He somehow knew what the answer was, anyway.

"Not as bad, but, yeah." She rested her hand on her right arm.

"Does anybody else know about this?" He hoped not. If the Council knew they'd think she was a bad Jedi for not being to control her emotions. But who could control emotions when they were _that _strong and powerful?

"Only Padmé. That's it." And that's how she wanted it stay. She didn't want anyone else thinking she was anymore pathetic then she already was.

That must have been why Padmé was so worried about her when she told him that Ahsoka needed him. Ahsoka must have told her not to tell him.

"Ahsoka, you have to tell me the truth; why have you done this? You're going to live with these scars for the rest of your life." He held her hand gently.

Ahsoka sighed, fearing that Anakin would not believe her reason. "It just…helps take the pain away. I don't know how, it just makes me feel so much better. It's like the physical pain takes over the emotional pain. I know it sounds stupid but trust me, I'm not lying." She gripped his hand tightly.

"Ahsoka, it's okay. I believe you. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I'm scared." He rubbed his thumb across her knuckle.

What? Did Anakin Skywalker, he Hero with No Fear, just admit he was _scared? _Why was he scared? Ahsoka was confused; this was Anakin, he didn't get scared. "You're…scared?"

"Wait a minute." He let go of her hand and disappeared into the refresher. He brought out a couple of small towels and wrapped her arm in the towel silently and told Ahsoka to put pressure on it. She winced slightly, and it didn't go unnoticed by Anakin.

"It's gonna hurt, Snips. But the bleeding needs to stop." He hadn't properly seen the cuts yet, but Ahsoka was showing pain – something she always tried to hide from people, mostly him – so they must be quite bad.

"You don't need to tell me how to stop wounds from bleeding, Master. I have had quite a lot of practice." She had tried to make it into a little joke, but it hadn't worked much. Applying pressure to her arm, Ahsoka said, "So…why are you scared?"

He looked her in the eyes, "I don't want to lose you! Ahsoka do you know what went through my mind when I walked in and saw you trying to kill yourself? Hm? I'm not just scared; I'm kriffing terrified! What if I hadn't walked in when I did? You'd by lying there bleeding and dying! I don't want that and neither does anyone else. And I know you think that no one cares, but trust me, Ahsoka, they do. I promise." He stood up, pulling her up with him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug.

Hugs from Anakin were almost alien to her. He'd only hugged her once, and that was on Mortis when she just woke up on the floor. Anakin had rushed to her side and immediately pulled her into a gentle hug. She had had no idea what was going on or what had happened. But Anakin had looked so worried and concerned; she knew it must have been bad. Anakin never hugged her, or anyone. Though seeing a soft side to Anakin was nice, so Ahsoka raised her arms and gently hugged him back, being careful with where she put her arms. She didn't want to get any more blood on him.

Anakin rested his cheek on Ahsoka's montral, sighing silently. What if he _had _walked in too late? He didn't want to think about it, really. He couldn't imagine his little Snips dead. She didn't deserve it. She was just so…pure.

Throughout the war, she'd always kept a smile on her face, even when things were hard. She kept positive and never lost hope. She was encouraging and she always had seemed happy and cheerful. She always put a smile on someone's face whether they needed it or not.

She'd changed, however.

She was no longer innocent. She'd seen the horrors of war countless times and it definitely affected her, just like it did with him. She was still determined and cheerful…well, she _had _been before the mission.

Not long after Ahsoka had become his Padawan he'd noticed little changes. Even though they were close – almost like brother and sister – she'd become more distant. He didn't know whether that was because of the war or the fact that she was growing up.

She smiled a lot less, too. A smile from Ahsoka Tano was like a light in a pitch black room – she affected everyone with that smile. She could brighten up anyone's day. He missed her smile. Everyone did.

Everyone changed. He just wished she _hadn't. _

Another change he'd noticed in her was her eyes. They weren't the same as before. They didn't sparkle and shine like they used to, they weren't full of hope and happiness. After each battle he swore her eyes were a shade duller.

Her appearance had changed a lot, too. She wasn't the scrawny little fourteen-year-old anymore. She was still small, however, and still thin. She'd grown in height, which he was happy about. He remembered when she had first been given to him and she couldn't see over the railing properly and she had to stand on top of it to see over. He was convinced that she had a minor growing disability or something.

She'd lost a lot of weight as well, he noticed. He could feel her bones as he hugged her, and that wasn't good. She really needed to eat more.

He truly felt sorry for his Padawan. Dealing with the war was harder for her than it was for him. She was just a child. She'd seen terrible things. War wasn't a place for a child, especially not for someone like Ahsoka. She was – had been – too pure and happy and the war had ruined that.

He knew that Ahsoka loved helping people and helping fight in the war, but it was hard work and when something happens it affects everyone. War was hard. He had nightmares about it and so did his Padawan. It left them bleary eyed and with bags under their eyes.

The two pulled apart. He put his hands on her shoulders. "So, Ahsoka…do you forgive me? For all the stuff I've done?"

Ahsoka didn't answer. She just stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him tightly.

Anakin smiled and hugged her back. He liked this side of Ahsoka…perhaps he'd see more of it. He hoped so. This reminded him of the old Ahsoka. "Master, I was never mad at you. I was just confused and…hurt. I don't know, it doesn't matter. I've forgiven you." She stepped back again, a gently smile on her lips. "Master, can I ask you something?"

He smiled at her, "Anything."

"Could you speak to the Clones for me? You know, tell them I'm sorry and that I'll make up for my mistakes and stuff?" The Togruta shifted her feet. She really wanted everyone to just forgive her. Then everything would be like how it used to be.

"You're going to do your best to get better right?"

"Of course, Skyguy. Starting from today I'm going to stop self-harming. It'll be hard, but you'll help me out, right?" She looked up at him, already knowing the answer. She flashed him a smile.

"Of course."

… … … … … … … …

_**FIVE MONTHS LATER**_

"Ani, how's Ahsoka doing?" Padmé asked her husband, wrapping her arms around Anakin's shoulders.

"Great. She's been so positive and happy lately; it's like the old her is back." He smiled; he was truly happy that his Padawan was recovering. She'd have those days, however. Those days when she just wanted to stay in bed and overthink. When she had those kinds of days he made sure to spend as much time with her as possible.

At first he'd checked her arms almost every day, checking up on how her wounds were healing and also to see if there were any new ones. He hadn't checked in a few weeks; he hadn't needed to. She'd been doing great in the past couple of weeks.

She was socialising a lot more. She'd go to the mess hall without her cloak and sit with the Clones, who had forgiven her months ago when General Skywalker had told them that Commander Tano was going through a rough battle with depression – he'd never mentioned the suicide attempt or the self-harm, though – and it was as if everything had brightened up suddenly.

Even the Council had been treating her a lot differently. They didn't know anything – they knew less than the Clones. The only thing they knew was that Ahsoka had a tough time after the mission, but that was all. They didn't need to know anything else – they'd only make things worse.

He was so glad with the progress his Apprentice was making.

Padmé quickly withdrew her arms from around Anakin when there was an eager knocking at the door.

Before C-3PO even had a chance to open the door, Ahsoka skipped through and made her way over to the two adults.

"Hey, Skyguy," She smiled brightly, "Guess what?"

He grew slightly worried; what had the little monster done this time…? "Um, what?" He scratched the back of his head.

"Five months today." Her smile grew even more, and Anakin knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Snips, that's great." He grinned at her and punched her shoulder gently. He really was proud of her. She'd worked so hard to achieve this.

Padmé hugged Ahsoka, "Well done, Ahsoka. We're both so proud of you!"

Ahsoka stepped back and placed a hand on her hip, "You guys are acting as if you're my parents or something. It's kinda creepy. It's only five months. It's not that much of a big deal."

"Five months is quite a while, if you think about it." Padmé reminded her.

"Yeah, but trust me, I'm gonna be celebrating a lot more when I reach a year." She rubbed her arm. No one else had found out, luckily. There had been quite a few close calls, however. She'd been lucky.

That was another thing Anakin was so happy about. She was being so positive about it and she was so determined. She hadn't beat the depression and totally recovered yet, but she was close, he could tell. She was just so fixed on getting better. It was as if she was a totally different person. And she was mostly doing it all on her own. She didn't have a doctor or a councillor to go to. It was just her and her friends, and most of them didn't even know half of the problems.

She was recovering, and that was all that mattered. Both Padmé and Anakin were so happy and proud of her. They felt like parents to her when all three of them were all together. It was as if they were they're own little family.

… … … … … … … … …

Two months later, after an exhausting, harsh mission, Master and Apprentice returned to the Temple, battered and bruised. They're had been a large explosion during the battle and a lot of their clothing had been burnt away. They were left with holes in their clothing. Anakin's gloves had been completely burnt off, and his mechanical arm was showing clearly. You could see where his arm had been severed and exactly where the mechanical arm joined to his body.

That had gotten him a few looks from the Council. He knew they were thinking of his recklessness when they looked at his arm.

However, most of the Council's attention was on his Padawan, who, right now, he was extremely worried about.

Luckily she'd been further away from the explosion than he had been. He had a lot more burns and holes in his clothing than her, but her gloves had been burnt away, as well as her cloak. And her arms were completely on show to the whole council. They had tried to find something to cover them up but there was nothing. A lot of their supplies had been caught in the explosion.

They'd both had a panic attack on the way home. But Ahsoka had finally just accepted the fact that they were going to have to find out someday. And today would be the day. She seemed so calm about it, however. He was the opposite; he was so worried. What if they sent her away?

"A success, the mission was, hmmm?" Master Yoda said, eyeing the two younger Jedi.

The pair bowed, "Yes, Grand Master Yoda. However, we lost a lot of supplies and the ship is quite damaged." He swallowed. He hoped that no one had noticed Ahsoka's arm, which was kind of stupid. _Of course _they had seen it.

Obi-Wan leaned forward, staring at Ahsoka, "We'll get that sorted out. Now, Ahsoka, those marks on your arms. What are they?" He'd suspected this for a while. He knew that Ahsoka wasn't coping all those months ago, and self-harm was such a common thing in teenagers these days. Thanks to the war.

Ahsoka looked to the ground, thinking of what to say. Anakin looked at her through worried eyes. Looking up, Ahsoka took a breath, "They're battle scars, Masters."

"A battle? With who?" Mace Windu said, not looking at all pleased with Ahsoka. He wasn't convinced with Ahsoka's answer. A battle wouldn't cause scars that look like that.

"Myself."

The Chambers were silent. Anakin gave the girl a small smile. He was so proud of her.

"Dismissed, you both are." Yoda said, pointing towards the door. He earned lots of shocked looks from almost everyone in the Council room, even Anakin.

"As you wish." Anakin said, bowing in time with Ahsoka. The two left, not looking back as the Council questioned Yoda on what was happening. He was so happy that Master Yoda understood.

As the two walked back to their quarters, earning lots of strange looks from other Jedi, Anakin said, "Ahsoka, you have no idea how proud I am of you. That took a lot of courage. You know, I may not have wanted you in the first place, but boy am I glad I kept you. I couldn't have asked for a better Apprentice."

Ahsoka just smiled. She was happy that Anakin had found her that night when she was going to end it all. He'd saved her life. She was so grateful for that. She was also grateful that she had a great Master.

Things were better now. _She _was better now.

And she had learnt one lesson during her ordeal. And it was what she lived by. Every time she felt like relapsing, every time she felt depressed, she'd think of it, and it'd help her get through it all.

_Never give up. _

… … … … … … … … …

**This is the end guys! WOW. This chapter was long. It was the length of two chapters, so you guys should consider yourself lucky! I really hope you enjoyed this story. At points it was hard to write because I put a lot of my own thoughts and feelings into this.**

**And I love you guys so much, I guess I should tell you something. This past week, I've been really bad. Like, **_**really bad**_**. And I'm going to be honest with you guys and say that I haven't cut, which is good, because I haven't for about a month or so now. But I was going to commit suicide the other night. I was stopped, however, by my best friend, so I owe my life to her. Honestly, I'm grateful she saved me, even though I just wanted nothing more than to leave. **

**Anyway, depress-ness bit is over! I really hope you guys enjoyed this. Please leave me a review and tell me what you thought. I think everyone was a little OOC in this chapter but I didn't know how else to write it, so I hope you enjoyed anyway. Love you all! Please review! **


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